THE PATH
One thing to understand when you embark on the journey of therapy is that the path isn’t linear, it’s a spiral. There is this misconception that just because we might have thought about something before or even grieved over certain areas of our past, that that should mean that we are “over it.” Maybe it’s because of our logic-oriented, Western mindset or maybe it’s just because we’d like to believe that life can be as simple as checking boxes and moving on, but whatever the case, the misconception is just that: a misconception.
The way that I’ve experienced therapy (and life) to work, not only in my practice but also in my own personal therapeutic process, is that we often have confront areas of ourselves and our pasts over and over again, each time taking in and integrating new facets of the thing. It’s kind of like a movie that you might watch several times and each time find some new detail or meaning that you’d missed before, except that our lives are far more intricate than any movie ever could be.
I say all of this not to make it seem like therapy might be a never-ending ordeal or that healing might not ever come, but simply to encourage you. The fact that you aren’t “over” something or that an old wound or behavior has crept back in doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. It just might mean that you need another go around the spiral, this time to a new depth.
SURFACE WORK VERSUS DEPTH WORK:
Most of the time when a person comes into therapy they do so with a specific surface-level issue or concern. These concerns are things like, “I’m anxious all the time” or “Life just isn’t as exciting as it used to be.” There is a line of thinking that the work of therapy would be to “solve” these issues and then be done. That, at the resolution of the “presenting problem,” there should either be new goals set – new problems identified that need to be solved – or that the therapy relationship should terminate.
At times, this is exactly how it goes. A client comes in, we work together for a while on some easily identifiable concern, the concerning issue gets resolved, and then we part ways. But, more often than not, I find that the presenting issue acts as a gateway to the healing spiral that I described in the section above. Put differently, the presenting issue is typically just the front door through which we can enter and then begin to unfold the deeper layers of the psyche (that is, soul).
This work, the work of uncovering the intricate layers of the psyche, is the work that keeps me coming back to the office every day. It’s not that “solving” the issues isn’t important. Certainly the experience of our day-to-day lives matters. It’s that the work of resolving the issues doesn’t begin to touch the experience of beholding the beauty found in the depths of our souls.
Throughout the course of our lives each of us is wounded, and each of us forms defense mechanisms to counteract that wounding and prevent future wounding. These defenses are wildly creative and, at the time of their creation, incredibly necessary. But the defenses – things like always trying to make sure everyone is happy with us, or acting like we don’t care if people like us or not, or sabotaging relationships before the other person has the chance to reject us - are not the essence of our personhood. They are tangles in the psyche, keeping us from knowing our truest selves.
But when we are faithful to hold presence to our wounds, we begin to see the defenses for exactly what they are: adaptations rather than essence. And that begins the work of untangling. As the knots unwind, the light of our deeper selves begins to shine through, and these are some of the most beautiful experiences of the therapeutic work.
That being said, the layers of each psyche can only be explored to the degree that a person is ready/willing to explore them. I love going to the depths with people, but it is not my place nor is it within my power to try to make someone go where they do not wish to go. So, I will not try to force depth, but I will always stand ready to accompany you on the journey into your inner territory.
And, at the end of the day, while the depths are amazing places of beauty, no one can live down there all the time. So, the rhythm of most of the work will involve us going back and forth between surface and depth, tending to life’s issues as they arise and then, to the degree that you desire/is necessary we will make our descents.